Leadership is delighted to publish an excerpt from John Sanei and Erik Kruger’s book, Expansive
Triggers are teachers.Emotional intelligence isn’t about staying calm all the time. It’s about how fast you recover when something—or someone—sets you off. If you’re still triggered about something that happened five years ago, that’s not righteous anger: it’s emotional stagnation.
Think of a trigger as an old injury. If someone pokes you in the arm and it hurts, it’s not because they’re strong; it’s because the wound hasn’t healed. The longer it takes you to get over something, the less adaptable you are. And if you’re in a leadership position, that rigidity is counterproductive. It means you’re reacting to the present with emotions rooted in the past.
The question isn’t whether you’ll be triggered—you will. The more work you do, the less it will happen; but you’re human and it’s unlikely to go away. The question is: what do you do next?
1. Identify your emotional loops
If the same kind of person or situation keeps getting under your skin, that’s not a coincidence—it’s a pattern. What keeps triggering you? Is it being ignored? Feeling disrespected? Not being in control? Get brutally honest about what sets you off. Triggers thrive in the shadows; drag them into the light.
2. Slow down the reaction time
Most triggers hijack your brain before you even realize it. Someone cuts you off in a meeting, and suddenly, you’re seeing red. The trick is to pause–even for a few seconds—before responding. That micro-moment of awareness gives you control over whether you react or regulate, and that interim silence is power.
3. Reframe the narrative
Instead of defaulting to outrage, ask yourself: What else could this mean? Maybe they weren’t trying to disrespect you. Maybe they’re insecure, distracted, or just bad at reading a room. Reframing isn’t about excusing bad behaviour—it’s about refusing to let someone else’s shortcomings control your emotions.
4. Get a mental toolbox
Regulating emotions isn’t about willpower; it’s about having the right tools. Try mindfulness, deep breathing, meditation, family constellation work or work with a cognitive therapist. They’ll all assist with emotional spirals.
Track Your Growth
A great measure of emotional intelligence? Time. How long does it take you to get over a perceived slight? A day? A year? If you’re still holding onto the same grudges, you haven’t evolved—you’ve just gotten better at justifying them. Growth means shortening the recovery time until, one day, the trigger shoots blanks.
Expansion point
Your triggers are invitations to evolve. Pay attention to what still gets under your skin and make it your goal to reduce the recovery time by actively working through the emotions.
John Sanei and Erik Kruger are the authors of ‘Expansive’.
