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Addressing the Ball
This depends on whom you wish to send it to, and whether you want it to go via air or surface mail. Golf balls are rarely intercepted by postal workers as they have neither the breeding nor the money to play the sport, thank God.
However, there are other authorities that could mistake your ball for a wad of plastique. You do not want to be responsible for taking highly trained specialists out of the War on Terror so that they may cordon off the street and detonate your ball in a controlled explosion. They have more important things to do with their time, like cordoning off Islamic suspects before they can blow themselves up in controlled explosions.
There are some golfers, the purists mainly, who consider the term addressing the ball to mean lining up your shot. Fine. Let them have their fun. But at the same time, there is no harm in having a quiet moment with your ball. Golf balls are people, too, only smaller and rounder. Warning the ball that you are about to smack the living daylights out of it is the decent thing to do. Showing genuine empathy sometimes encourages the ball not to make a complete fool of you in front of everyone else. So, when it comes to addressing the ball, it is worth doing so with genuine humility and compassion.
A Tough Lie in the Rough
Sometimes the best place to take your boss’s daughter for her first golf lesson is the long grass behind the trees at the far end of the fairway. If she seems nervous, the gentlemanly thing would be to put her at ease by telling her that it is your first time, too. There are many other tough lies that you can use in the rough. This is just one of them.
Bunkers
The Japanese took a lot of pride in their bunkers, and some of their best work was done in the South Pacific. However, there is no point in having an elaborate system of bunkers with all the entrances aligned for good Feng Shui, only to have the Allies sneak around the back and massacre you in large numbers.
The Viet Cong preferred to link their bunkers with a complex network of underground tunnels. This was particularly useful if you wanted to slip out to check if your punji stakes and spike traps had caught any American soldiers.
The British never really embraced the concept of bunkers, preferring instead the cosier foxhole that could comfortably fit four blokes and a primus stove for the tea.
South African troops living in Oshakati’s White City built bunkers in their back yards that could quickly and easily be converted into fun playhouses for their stupid racist children.
Interference
This is usually taken to mean any accidental or deliberate touching, kicking or shouting at the ball while it is in play, but in more recent times it has come to include hysterical women who you have never seen before in your life but who for some reason have tipped your golf bag upside down and have begun doing the Highland Fling on your imported clubs.
Interference can also come in the form of five or six gentlemen from the Asset Forfeiture Unit. You will be able to recognise them because they will be the only people on the course striding purposefully towards you wearing dark suits and carrying warrants instead of golf clubs.
They will have already cleaned out your house, upset your children, removed your two spare BMWs and the weekend Porsche and are now coming for your golf clubs. Cars can be easily replaced, but you have waited six weeks for your Mizuno MX-23 irons to arrive from Japan and there is no way on God’s earth that you are going to voluntarily hand them over to Robin Hood’s merry men.
You will need to take immediate evasive action. If your bag is on wheels, grab it and take off like a cheetah. If you have a caddie, use whatever club you have in your hand to whip him sharply on the buttocks and set off after him, smacking him across the side of the head when he shows signs of flagging.
Ideally, though, you will have a cart when they come for you. Jump in, start the engine and take off, but not so fast that you outstrip them to such an extent that they lose interest and go back to the bar to wait for you there. Get about 50 metres in front and then turn the cart around to face them. Remove your driver from the bag and hold it out as if you were a jousting knight instead of a white-collar criminal on the run. Put your foot flat on the accelerator and head directly for them shouting verses from the Old Testament.
People from the Unit are trained to stick together so it is unlikely that they will break ranks and scatter. After a while you will begin to feel a bit like you are herding sheep. Try not to laugh. This will make them think that you are not serious about running them down. Once you have chased them off the course, you can return to your game. Tell your opponent that you are claiming the hole on the grounds of interference. If he tries to argue, take out your phone and call up the South African Revenue Service and ask for the whistleblower’s hotline. If that doesn’t convince him to give you the hole, then he is either inordinately powerful or indecently honest. Either way, you should not be playing golf with him.
Another form of interference is when an unidentified object lodges in the throat of your opponent just as you are about to putt. If you find it difficult to concentrate with the unpleasant choking noises coming from behind you, it is probably best to deal with the situation before attempting the putt.
There are those who still swear by the Heimlich Manoeuvre, but in my book it remains an outdated and archaic method of opening up a blocked air passage. It also looks very gay when performed by one man on another.
Ask your asphyxiating opponent to get up off his knees and stand upright facing away from the sun so that you are not blinded when you take your swing. Hold your putter in a grip that is comfortable to you. Correct hand placement is not important. Using the blunt end of the putter, address your opponent’s solar plexus. You do not want to miss, so make sure that you have your shot lined up.
If you are not comfortable with the lateral baseball action that this stroke calls for, get your opponent to lie down on his side. In this case, I would suggest you use the King Cobra SZ 440 driver. Its dual weighting system generates explosive energy transfer and a milled rhombus oval insert and thin titanium perimeter creates a very responsive face. With the club’s nine sweet spots, it is highly unlikely that you will miss and inadvertently crush his ribcage, although there is always room for error. If this does happen, quickly apologise and take another swing. Sooner or later your opponent will cough up the foreign object and you can continue playing.
Wild game and housebreakers are among the more common forms of interference on South African golf courses. I have seen some courses that are criss-crossed with trails made by animals making their way from the bush to the water hazard, or from the double-storey home to the pawnshop. Try not to interfere with them. They are an indigenous species and have every right to take a shortcut to avoid being run down by cars or picked up by police. However, if a thieving duck or ducking thief makes off with your ball, take a free stroke.
Ben Travato
