Perhaps I shouldn't call you comrade. After all, "comrade" is to "finance" as "fish" is to "bicycle".

The word "comrade" conjures up images of the Communist Party and the Communist Party evokes images of Blade Nzimande drawing up a budget based on a black garbage bag stuffed with R500 000.

On the other hand, you wouldn't be among the few cabinet ministers to have made it onto the ANC's new all-singing, all-dancing national executive committee if your staunchness were in question. Or perhaps you slipped Comrade Jacob a little something during the lunch break? Just kidding. Youare nothing if not 100% Trustworthy.

I also know you are a man of the people because someone told me that in the good old struggle days, you knew your way around the accoutrements of the working class. Not to put too fine a point on it, you apparently had the fastest Okapi knife on the Flats and could roll a joint blindfolded in the teeth of a southeaster. However, this may not be enough to get you into the 2009 cabinet. If you like, I could put the word out that on the slow days you also mugged German tourists, stole police cars and did your fair share of cash-in-transit heists. That should secure your position.

I would like to congratulate you on doing a magnificent job. I really would, but it might seem hypocritical since I have never been able to fully grasp what you do and how you keep yourself busy for an entire year.

All I know is that whenever your name pops up in conversation, the general consensus is that you are some sort of saviour in a suit. I'm not sure if poor people feel the same way because I avoid talking to them as far as possible. A casual greeting can lead to them pinning you against the wall while they hiss and shriek their endless litany of problems and all you get for your trouble is an uneasy feeling and a face covered in spit. You of all people should know what I'm talking about.

From what I can gather, you have access to a bank account with around R500 billion in it. Please don't lose your credit card. Some of my money is in there.

To be honest, your job doesn't seem all that difficult. Every February, you decide how much each government department gets to spend during the year. I have a friend like that. Each month he pays his salary into his wife's bank account and in turn she gives him a weekly allowance. In a way, you are also doling out pocket money to civil servants. It's not your fault that most of it ends up in their own pockets.

Do you ever get threatened by ministers who are unhappy with what you have given them? I can see Mosiua Lekota promising to send an armoured tank division round to your house unless you give him more money for a couple of spare nuclear submarines.

I imagine that when you sit down to work out who gets what, you factor in a certain amount for the kind of incentives that often lead to the more careless civil servants being placed on "extended leave". If I were you, I would list the "gratuities" under a fictitious name. The Scorpions wouldn't suspect a thing if your budget included a smattering of vaguely-worded payments to Mr B Ribes of Valhalla.

I think you must be a genius to understand things like GDP and why the price of eggs goes up every time drivers in Dubai have to pay more to fill up their Porsche Cayenne Turbos. As far as I'm concerned, Jacob Zuma is our most gross domestic product and price increases are caused by greedy shopkeepers. As far as fuel costs are concerned, well, things have never been the same ever since that crazy summer of 1995 when OPEC struck on the brilliant idea of appointing Nigeria's oil minister to head the organisation.

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Your nickname isn't Clever Trevor for nothing.

I expect you will be slapping higher taxes on beer once again. What's the matter with you? Don't you drink beer any more? From now on, I'm going to have to curb my quaffing and gulping and take tiny little sips to make it last longer. Is this what you mean by the trickle-down effect?

I see you are once again soliciting suggestions from the smelly proles. If Imay, I would like to contribute to Tips for Trevor before your secretary runs the file through the office shredder:

 *      Check whether Pravin Gordhan's tax returns are up to date.

*      Hire my wife Brenda to teach the Setas how to spend money.

*      Give the roads department an extra R500 to fix the giant pothole in my road.

*      Save on state pensions by raising the pensionable age to 100.

*      Impose increasingly heavy poverty taxes on the poor until they learn to stop complaining.

*      Buy Zimbabwe with any leftover cash.

 Well, I'm out of space. Best of luck for 2008 and don't forget to watch your back.

Yours truly,

Ben Trovato