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It’s not what we hoped for at allacists of all races today were brought together in an unusual moment of solidarity to express their dissatisfaction with the widely reported “race war” that South Africa has been plunged into since Eugene Terre’Blanche’s murder. “It’s a total snore,” they announced.
In a highly unusual meeting that took place on the outskirts of Ventersdorp today, racists of all hues met up to confide their disappointment in the poor quality race war that South Africa has produced so far.
“It’s not what we hoped for at all,” confessed AWB Kommandant Erfenis van der Trekboer.
“This race war is f*** boring. I’d rather be home watching 7de Laan with a nice koppie koffie and a rusk.”
His opinion was met with nods and murmurs of approval from gathered members of the Azanian People’s Organisation, Azapo.
“When the media said there was a race war on, I even turned off the Sundowns-Pirates match straight away to start looking for my tribal weapons,” said Azapo Colonel Fanon Blekpowa. “What a waste of average soccer.”
After a lengthy round-table discussion, all stakeholders agreed to the multilateral adoption of strategies guaranteed to heighten tensions.
“For instance, the next time I see an umlungu, I am going to go up really close and make a mosquito buzzing sound in their ear,” explained Blekpowa. “Everyone knows that is the most irritating of all sounds.”
The AWB has pledged to “do their bit” by blasting Kurt Darren’s notoriously aggravating ditty Meisie Meisie at full volume from their bakkies wherever they drive.
“We all have to pull together to show the international community that South Africa is capable of a really professional, world-class race war,” Van der Trekboer stated.
Concerns about the race war now extend beyond Terre’Blanche’s heartland, however.
The Indian community met yesterday in Durban to issue a statement of outrage at their continuing exclusion from the racial hatred discourse.
“We Indians would like to show that there is more to us than being hardworking and commercially astute,” announced spokesperson Poppadum Naidoo.
“We, too, are capable of devastating racial insults like ‘undercooked roti’, which is what we call white people; and ‘overcooked roti’, which is what we call black people.”
“What your rubbish bloody race war needs is a little bit of spice, and you can call us at any time.
“Which reminds me that if you are needing your mobile phone unblocked, I can also do that for you cheap-cheap,” added Naidoo.
Simultaneously, all over the country, millions of ordinary, hardworking South Africans have admitted that they have no idea what “polarisation” means. This will come as a blow to journalists, as it is now a compulsory bylaw for each media report on the race war to include the word at least once.
“I thought it had something to do with climate change,” confessed Newlands housewife Nikki Picket-Fence yesterday. “Now I’m not sure.
“Excuse me, I must go – I think I smell my cottage pie polarising in the oven.”
Internationally, far-right groups around the world have issued statements of contempt at South Africa’s race war.
“LOL,” ran the contribution from Zimbabwe’s Zanu-PF. “You pussies wouldn’t know a race war if it stopped you on the street and pinched your bottom, you limp-wristed mommies’ boys.”
Neo-Nazi groups in Europe concurred. The leader of the Homeland-Faithful German Youth organisation, Achtung Lebensraum, commented: “I haf had better race wars against my Aryan grandmuzzer.”
Hayibo.com: Breaking news. Into lots of little pieces.
www.hayibo.co.za
