Share this
Mister Wong
Digg
Del.icio.us
Slashdot
Furl
Yahoo
Technorati
Newsvine
Googlize this
Blinklist
Facebook
Wikio
Hear this text
Print
E-mail
Hot air doesn’t blow my hair backLet it not be said that I do not impart upon the readers of this fine periodical, sparkling gems of wisdom born from epiphanies. The latest came to me, typically, in a public washroom.
Popular history recalls how Sir Isaac Newton, arguably one of the world’s greatest scientific minds, was inspired to develop his laws of universal gravitation after seeing an apple fall from a tree.
I am sure that the same popular history would have us believe that Albert Einstein’s sudden insight into what would become his theory of special relativity came about while he was washing potatoes.
Well, I was in the public washroom in Gatwick International Airport when I stumbled across an insight so jaw-droppingly brilliant that I would be failing my fellow man if I didn’t share it with you.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Public washroom, ugh, that’s so icky”; so let me explain.
It seems that the sound of running water kick-starts my brain into that higher level of consciousness where epiphanies are running around looking for a brain to tumble into.
Most of the ideas for my columns come while I am showering, which makes scribbling them down on my trusty notepad a bit of a challenge.
Also, I have lost count of the number of overflowing baths that have followed in the wake of my rushing to the study to tap out an idea onto my Mac.
I had just arrived in London after a long flight from South Africa via the giant Dubai shopping mall cleverly disguised as an airport terminal; and one of the first things I had to do was freshen up.
So I nipped off to the washroom, started washing my hands, and then it hit me.
The revelation was so powerful, I had to sit down on a nearby chair and watch my hands drip onto the tiled floor. Like so many other epiphanies, in retrospect it now seems
so evident.
So here it is: never cut your hair before entering a public bathroom.
I know, it’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? And yet I’d hazard a guess you’ve never really thought about it until you read it here.
It makes so much sense: most public washrooms nowadays have those hot-air hand-dryers stuck against the wall under the pretence that they’re somehow more hygienic and better for the planet than more conventional hand-drying paraphernalia.
To a certain degree I’d agree, after all, there are few things more off-putting than trying to dry your hands on a damp, sticky towel.
However, I cannot see how a lot of hot air that has been sucked from heaven-knows-where is healthier on your hands than a brand new, crispy paper towel.
Maybe it’s a tree thing – all that paper; as opposed to a polluting coal thing – all that electricity.
Be that as it may, it seems hot-air hand-dryers are here to stay; which is a good thing, unless of course, you actually want to dry your hands.
I can tell if a public washroom has a hot-air hand-dryer without even going into it or even listening out for that tell-tale sound inside of a small commercial jet airliner taking off.
The secret is to look at the pants of the men walking out – if they have damp patches just below their backsides, you simply know there’s a hot-air hand-dryer inside.
Let’s face it – hot-air hand-dryers just don’t work. OK, maybe that’s a bit judgemental. They do dry your hands, only not within the same day that you washed them.
This poses a bit of a problem because public washrooms are not the nicest of places to hang around in.
Most men see a visit to a public washroom as a strictly in-out-shake-it-all-about experience (or more correctly an out, shake it all about and then put it back in experience).
So, after a minute or two with their hands under a hot-air hand-dryer, most men simply walk out, wiping their hands on their backsides (their own, obviously).
There is one way to make these hand-dryers work without making them more powerful; after all, we don’t want to blow our hands clean off at the wrists, now do we?
We need something to distract men so that they don’t worry about how long they’re standing there.
I suggest we put on the hand-dryers pretty pictures of gorgeous creatures that any self-respecting man would drool over. I am thinking of the Aston Martin DB9 or the new Apple iPod Nano.
In women’s washrooms, we could put pictures of creatures that feature high in their collective fantasy. I was thinking of pictures of myself.
Until such time as this happens, don’t cut your hair before entering a public washroom. By the time you wait for your hands to dry, your hair would’ve grown back again.
Daryl Ilbury
