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The businessman’s agony columnSome of my best friends are management consultants and business strategists. But, then again, many of my friends aren’t.
Now, friends are supposed to be able to talk to friends about all sorts of intimate things without the talker being perceived as nosey and the talkee taking offence.
Not so when you try and talk to friends who are management consultants.
Oh, sure, you can take them aside and whisper a word or two of advice about their halitosis, golf swing, psychedelic bow tie and their tendency to speak loudly, but don’t try and talk to them about how they do business.
Try and suggest to them that instead of consulting with companies, they should consult with people – and they cross you off their Christmas card list.
What I am trying to suggest, is that instead of consultants looking at companies, they should concentrate entirely on the people who run the companies. “Oh, fine, great,” they say, “what CEO or financial director is going to pour his heart out to a complete stranger? You must be kidding.”
True, but how about making it easy for said CEO to somehow pour his heart out without losing face or his job?
Simple. Start a businessman’s agony column in one of the financial newspapers or even on the Internet. After all, it works for lovesick teenagers, distraught parents and sex maniacs – why shouldn’t it work for baffled businessmen?
And now, posing as a confidential columnist instead of a consultant, you can speak some home truths you’d never get away with face to face. For instance:
Dear Uncle Bottomline
I’m the CEO of a medium to large enterprise manufacturing widgets for export. Productivity and morale is up to maggots at middle management level. I’ve tried travel incentives and cash bonuses, but the buggers are still dragging their heels. I’ve even threatened to fire the bastards and I still can’t raise a spark of enthusiasm. Please help, I’m starting to snap at my secretary.
Sincerely, “Irritated” – Isando
Dear Irritated,
Try the occasional “thank you” and “well done”, you pompous arse.
Sincerely, Uncle Bottomline
Dear Uncle Bottomline
I‘m marketing director for a service company with headquarters in the CBD – my MD is so besotted with making us lean and mean that I don’t have enough reps to look after our customers who are getting mightily pissed off, mostly with me. How can I get it into the old duffer’s head that good marketing means people?
Sincerely, “Panic-stricken” – President Street
Dear Panic-stricken,
Give all your unhappy customers the MD’s home phone number; or tell him his wife’s having an affair with the financial director. Your MD and FD will be so distracted, you will be able to (a) go over budget and (b) hire another bucketload of reps without anyone noticing.
Sincerely, Uncle Bottomline
Dear Uncle Bottomline,
Listen old man, I’ve just been appointed chairman of an outfit listed on the JSE and I need to give the jolly old shareholders a better return at the end of my first year than that jammy bugger, my predecessor, did at the end of his last year. Thought I’d go for retrenchments, flog off some property holdings and a subsidiary or two. What d’you say, old boy?
Simply Sir – City Centre
Dear Sir,
Simply go for it, old man. Then, by the end of your third year, take the lift to the top of the Carlton and jump off. Wake up, you old fart! How on earth did you get elected chairman in the first place?
Sincerely, Uncle Bottomline
Dear Uncle Bottomline,
Caught our human resources director with his hands in the till, so to speak. Bugger ripped us off millions in the past five years and now we’re in a quandary. If we charge him with theft, there’ll be a huge hoo-ha and our company’s reputation will be in tatters. What do you think if we just give him a golden handshake, get him to sign a legal document committing himself to keeping quiet and simply let him ‘retire’ gracefully? Seems to me this is the way it’s done these days.
Honest Joe – Sandton
Dear Honest Joe,
You are right, that is the way things seem to be done these days. If you can live with being a crook for the rest of your life and never have the nerve to suggest that people in the government are corrupt, then go for it. But in this day and age, I reckon your company reputation would be enormously enhanced if you were seen to not only fire the bugger, but drag him through every court in the land and hang him out to dry for all to see.
Sincerely, Uncle Bottomline
