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Look out for the little old ladyThe skies above Africa are a dangerous place to be, where life can throw at you all manners of hazards that demand you draw on deep-seated instincts for survival. And no hazard is more threatening than a little old lady and her make-up bag.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve flown in and out and around South Africa, but they are sufficient in number for me to have honed my survival skills.
So now, whenever I board a plane, I can draw on a multitude of tools that are ready to be wielded into action whenever the
need arises.
I am well aware that air travel can be dangerous, and therefore I feel it is my duty to share these tools with you. Take heed.
Skill number 1: Unless you have a weak bladder or you’re recovering from a bad curry, get a window seat.
If you choose an aisle seat, the guy sitting in the window seat will be the one with the weak bladder and the post-bad-curry tummy rumbles… and you’re in his way.
Another thing – because of some lesser known law of physics, food and drinks trolleys are inexplicable drawn to those elbows rested on aisle armrests; especially YOUR elbows.
Also, you may have noticed that aisles are designed for the passage of one person at a time; and yet when the plane lands, everyone leaps out of their seat and into the aisle to try and wrestle their luggage from the over-
head lockers.
If you’re in the window seat, you can simply watch and smile.
Skill number 2: When seated in the plane, ready for takeoff, don’t waste your time fiddling with your Blackberry, notice where the emergency exits are; and, more importantly, who are the people smaller than you who are sitting between you and the closest emergency exit.
I know you’ve seen the safety demonstration a thousand times and that the cabin crew always point out the emergency exits by waving their arms around in a direction that could be either fore or aft; but if the need does arise to “exit the plane in an orderly manner”, the chances are it won’t be orderly.
Knowing where the closest emergency exit is will tell you the general direction in which to head; and where the smaller people are will tell you who you can shove out the way to get there first.
Skill number 3: Keep an eye on the delivery of the vegetarian meals. These are generally delivered individually, direct from the galley and ahead of the mini troughs of congealed and processed carbon-based food matter that is dished out to the masses.
These ‘troughs’ are delivered via a trolley that is cleverly designed to block the aisle and thereby hinder any approach to the toilet.
Therefore, if you need the loo, go the moment you see the vegetarian meals come out, or otherwise you’ll have to cross your legs and pray for no turbulence.
Finally, skill number 4: On an international flight, look for the little old ladies, where they’re sitting and where they are in relation to the toilets.
The older a lady, the more make-up she needs, and the more make-up she needs, the longer she will take to apply it, and the longer she takes to apply it, the longer you’ll have to wait if she’s ahead of you in the
toilet queue.
Trust me, if you’ve been quaffing complimentary drinks all night, when you wake up in the morning and your bladder is about to burst (just like everyone else’s), there are few things more threatening to your health than the sight of a little old lady in front of you with a really deep make-up bag.
If it does happen, this is when your newly acquired skill kicks in: If you’ve plotted her position in your pre-takeoff ‘little old lady check’, you would know where she’s sitting and with whom she’s sitting.
Then, as she’s about to enter the loo, you can tap her on the shoulder, point back towards her seat and say, “I’m sorry, but I think your husband is calling you urgently”.
A couple of seconds’ distraction is all you need to nip in front of her and into the loo.
As an aside: just as there are ‘no smoking’ signs on toilet doors on planes, personally I think there should be ‘no make-up
applying’ signs.
Gone are the days when the greatest threats to air travel came from wild-eyed fanatics with explosives in their shoes. Nowadays the real hazards are more surreptitious and are likely to come from the most unlikely
of directions.
Watch where you sit, where the toilets and emergency exits are, who’s sitting where; and, most of all, don’t take your eyes off the little old ladies.
Daryl Ilbury
