Share this
Mister Wong
Digg
Del.icio.us
Slashdot
Furl
Yahoo
Technorati
Newsvine
Googlize this
Blinklist
Facebook
Wikio
Hear this text
Print
E-mail
Because relocation is better than no locationI remember November 1984 well. It was the month in which the apartheid government was desperately trying to persuade residents of the Crossroads squatter camp in Cape Town to move to the newly built township of Khayelitsha, which boasted thousands of identical shoeboxes doing house impressions and which had the biggest single convenience of residents having to travel 40 or so kilometres to town instead of five or six.
Naturally, no one was interested in moving. So, a competition was held for an advertising campaign that would consist of thousands of pamphlets that were going to be dropped on Crossroads from helicopters. I had a shot at it, but did not win. Cannot understand why...
Hi there, Squatties!
Tired of living in a plastic bag?
Fed up with bulldozers bucketing through your bedroom? Of course you are.
Why not get away from it all and come along with us, your friendly Western Cape Development Board, to fabulous, windswept, desolate, faceless and intriguingly dehumanising Khayelitsha! It’s way-out, really way-out!
In fact, 45 kilometres from the city is about as way-out as you can get without being in Tswana in the outer reaches of Bophuthatswhatever. But, think of the benefits.
Housing, you ask? Well, now, how does this grab you? Within no time flat we’ll have 5 000 houses ready for their new owners. So don’t delay. Get your name down fast.
We’re expecting 300 000 applications and remember: 300 000 into 5 000 doesn’t go, except in Soweto and Hong Kong.
For you lucky “legals”, we have a super deluxe home with four concrete walls and some sturdy custom-made subdivisions. It’s all yours for only R20 a month or R3 000 on 99-year leasehold. That means with just 25% of your salary every month, you’ll own your home just in time to give it back.
But, think of the benefits. Taking your current mortality rate, excluding bulldozing, you’ll manage at least six generations before the leasehold goes phut.
Good news, too, for you “illegals”. We can’t quite run to a house, but especially for you we have a piece of sand and a tap.
How do we manage this fantastic offer? By courtesy of all those benevolent Houghton taxpayers who also have taps just like yours, but they’re not allowed to use them because of the drought.
Aren’t you lucky?
So come on, climb aboard to Khayelitsha; and as any immigrant will tell you, you’ve never had it so good. Think about it.
A home of your own with real windows and a door. And a tap. You’ll be so proud when the police and army come calling at the crack of dawn to kick your door down. You can greet them at your very own door and offer them a friendly drink from your very own tap. You’ll make all sorts of interesting friends in Khayelitsha!
So make your move now. We’re giving you an offer you simply can’t refuse.
Remember that relocation is better than no location!
Transport is bound to be a bit dodgy to start with, but that 1 o’clock morning jog to work will keep you astonishingly healthy. And, what’s more, we’ll throw in wealthy and wise as optional extras. No such thing as executive stress in captivating Khayelitsha.
Yes, life on the beautiful False Bay coast will be a· truly remarkable experience. Miles and miles of golden beaches. Sea sand right up to your doorstep. In your garden, in your bedroom, up your noses, every day for 365 days of the year.
And what about our fantastic sporting facilities? We guarantee your golf will improve unbelievably. You won’t actually find a golf course, but you certainly will have the biggest bunker in the business.
As the nearest thing to the Western Cape’s only homeland, you’ll soon be entitled to your very own casino. That’s why we’ve called your new little piece of paradise “Khayelitsha”. Some people think it means “New Home”, but we chose it because “Kherzner’s Khayelitsha Khasino” has got a ring to it that will bring foreign tourists flocking in from as far afield as Elsies River and Constantia.
But, that’s not all. We’ve saved the best for last. You will also have access to a real lavatory. Well, not quite – it’s a long drop and you’ll have to share it with 250 other families, but it beats squatting over an open drain in a squatter camp.
A bit of advice, though: keep this pamphlet because it will come in handy when you make your first visit to your almost very own, almost real lavatory.
(This pamphlet carries a government health warning: do not attempt to use this pamphlet shiny side up in your almost very own lavatory, as it will spread more than just disease.)
Chris Moerdyk
