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Simply earth-shatteringI am very much in favour of saving the environment. So much so, that I have embarked upon a scientific research project to determine the most definitive set of criteria for the application of individual resource assimilation.
My first step, which I denoted as “#1 My First Step”, was to access the world’s leading online resources in order to ensure maximum efficacy of information.
It did not take too long for me to realise that the global leader in environmental studies and guidelines for ordinary people wanting to save the world was a website found at www.spoof.com.
For example, like me, the august scientists at Spoof.com mainly resist trying to get people to stop screwing with the ozone layer, but rather get down to the nitty-gritty of saving the environment from the immediate environs of one’s front stoep.
Such as ensuring one’s pets are doing their bit to save the world.
Here are some vital earth-saving tips:
1. Cats and dogs may be seen as natural carnivores, but they are easily fooled into becoming vegetarian by coating contents from your organic veggie box with vegetarian gravy. Refrigerate until congealed and it will soon look like tinned food.
2. Unethical rawhide and bone dog chews can be replaced with off-cuts of sustainably resourced wood.
3. Ensure pet toys are made of recycled plastic or make your own toxin-free fun from natural materials. Animals love chewing on pebbles and catching roadkill. Hedgehogs make good Frisbees!
4. Cats can be instinctive killers, but they can be re-educated with the clever use of anti-hunting posters around the house. Put them at cat-eye level for best results. If your cat should transgress, remove the mangled mouse and smear with mustard before giving it back. Your cat will quickly learn!
5. We all know exotic pets are a moral no-no, but if you already own a snake, lizard or turtle, maximise its purpose in life by creating something beautiful when it passes. Snakes make lovely pencil cases, and turtles can be useful fruit bowls.
6. If your pet has stepped lightly upon the planet in life, ensure it leaves it in the same way. Cremation can pollute the atmosphere, but if your pet passes away during the winter, simply pop it into your log-burning stove. That way, it can give something back to you through warmth. In summer, remains can be frozen and put through a hand-cranked wood chipper. The pieces can be added to your compost heap, thus fittingly completing the cycle of life.
My highly scientific source at Spoof.com warned about being taken in by ignorant pressure groups ranting about global warming.
Professor Clem T. Dennier of the McKeith Institute for Complementary Science, claims his “new research” will “put the man-made climate change to bed and usher in a new era of understanding”.
“The truth,” expounded Prof. Dennier, “is that global warming is impossible. The fact of the matter is, the more CO2 we pump into the atmosphere, the more the Earth’s temperature will rise. The more the Earth’s temperature rises, the less energy we will need to heat our homes. The less energy we use to heat our homes, the less CO2 will be pumped into the atmosphere. You see? It all balances itself out – climate change is impossible!
“In fact, it has the added benefit of saving us money on our heating bills.”
Those in the Man-Made Global Warming camp have described the professor as a “complete loon” and “a wing-nut with only a tenuous grasp on reality”. However, Prof. Dennier has dismissed the criticisms as scaremongering and will now be going on a book tour to promote his new work, Mmmmmmm, Baby Polar Bears – They Sure Taste Good!
In other earth-shattering news just released by Spoof.com, scientists at the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory have announced the invention of a hydrogen-based fuel bead to replace petrol and which DOES NOT EMIT GREENHOUSE GASES.
The fuel is hydride-based and will be able to power existing vehicles with few modifications.
Complex hydrides such as BaReH9 have the highest known hydrogen-to-metal ratio (4:5), Mg2FeH6 has the highest known volumetric H2 density, LiBH4 has the highest gravimetric density. So although the nature of the RAL material is unclear, it is most likely to be based on one of these.
However, not all scientists agree on the green credentials of this new fuel.
Prof. Jack Schitte, Emeritus Reader in Environmental Chemistry of the Department of Emissions Control Science and Cow Farts at the Acadian University, commented: “Yeay, shuwah as shiyut stick these there hydrides in water ayund they’ll piss hydrogen fayastuh thayun you kin get shiyut faced at a KKK bar-B-Q.”
