Let’s celebrate Movember!

id you notice that November slipped by without hardly any mention of one of the most exciting celebrations of all things manly: the moustache? There were no parties, no mass hysteria and certainly no official statement from the government. It is almost as if the entire country were in denial.

November was supposed to be “Movember”, an annual month-long charity event designed to highlight those nasty evils that lurk not far from a man’s gut: prostrate and testicular cancer.

The idea behind the event was to encourage men to be more aware of their specific health issues by embracing something that is specific to men (and grandmothers in certain parts of Eastern Europe) – the ability to grow facial hair.

So why specifically a moustache? Why not a beard? A beard is cool, right?

The central figures of the three monotheistic religions all sported beards; and you cannot get better champions of its power than that.

There is supposedly a direct link between levels of testosterone and the volume of a beard; so the bushier the beard, the more manly the man.

The reason that the moustache, and not the beard, is the popular choice for Movember, is because the moustache is no longer popular. In fact, one could say a moustache has, for much of its life, courted disputation.

Type “famous moustaches” into Google and you will be faced with historical figures such as Hitler, Stalin and Salvador Dali; outmoded movie stars such as Tom Selleck and Chuck Norris; a pastiche of ‘70s porn stars; and, even worse, four members of the Village People.

Hardly a ringing endorsement!

So surely, encouraging men to grow a moustache is a pretty daft idea?

That line of thinking is supported by the fact that Movember was apparently the brainchild of a bunch of Australians. Typical.

According to legend, while attempting to start a barbecue by rubbing their eyebrows on the back of their hands, one of them came up with the idea of their all growing moustaches to raise funds for the local SPCA, under the banner “Whiskers for Whiskers”; which was quite clever, particularly for an Australian.

The concept then grew (another pun intended) to become an international movement, driven in part by the desire to help others.

And that is what makes the quiet passing of Movember such a tragedy – not that an opportunity was missed to focus on men’s health issues, but that not enough men seized the occasion to secure some measure of sovereignty.

Think about it: Outside of cultivating a healthy display of facial hair, there is not much that a man can do nowadays that a woman cannot.

Everywhere, from the far reaches of space to the hidden depths of our oceans, from the boardroom to the bedroom, women have stamped their authority; and, as a result, men are no longer the masters of anything.

Well, not entirely. Let us not forget that the little gap between the bottom of the nose and the top lip is still ours. We should therefore consider it a canvas upon which we should revisit the subtle art of cultivating hair; and the fact that a moustache is supposedly no longer ‘cool’ should be an added reason to thumb our noses at convention.

Should women shudder at a handsome dash of hair on our upper lip, so be it! They are simply jealous.

Women will say the real reason they do not like a moustache is because it “gets in the way”.

Tough. Deal with it! Do they hear us complaining about lowered toilet seats that get in our way?

Also, saying you do not like a moustache is like saying you do not like sport when, in fact, there is a sport for everyone. If you do not like boxing, but you like chess, try Chess Boxing. If you want to play football, but hate the thought of running from one side of the field to the other, try Swamp Football.

But I digress. The fact is, there is a moustache for every outfit and for every occasion. A slick, thin line across the lip works well with a tux or a smoking jacket; and a crude, chunky blob fits right in with a Blue Bulls rugby jersey.

Also, whereas a rose is a rose is a rose, a moustache is certainly not merely a moustache.

It is a statement. A clipped smidgeon of hair on the upper lip suggests order and control, whereas a cascade of whiskers – like that on a walrus – says the wearer is officious and not scared to throw his weight around.

A moustache can be trimmed, shaped, even distorted. In fact, like hairy snowflakes, no two moustaches are ever the same.

So men, let us stop shaving and let us starting saving that mane above our lips; and get ready for Movember 2011 – it’s going to be hairy! ▲

Daryl Ilbury