Better parents mean better leaders

The age-old question, “What makes a leader a leader, or what makes one person able to guide, inspire and lead over and above another?” remains an unanswered one. Are leaders born with temperamental traits that simply make them great leaders? Or were they nurtured in a particular way? The endless nature-nurture debate lies at the core of the question.

But if I had to simply ask you to think about people who are leaders you respect, and to think about what makes them so, I would put money on your mentioning some of the following traits: openness, empathy, integrity, honesty, flexibility, being down to earth.

Yes, there are people who lead by bullying, cajoling, bribing and abusing their power; and yes, they may be in positions of leadership, but we do not call them great leaders.

For these, we turn our attention to the people who know how to motivate the people with whom they work, who are prepared to put their employees above themselves, and who have an emotional maturity that takes away the need to prove that they are in charge.

These people earn respect and commitment from their employees which is genuine, rather than having employees who perform out of fear or for external rewards.

What if, as parents, we were able to nurture these traits in our children, regardless of their temperament? What if we could nurture in a way that allows our children to reach their full potential?

For some of them, this may mean they will lead in big ways such as Nelson Mandela or Ghandi; for others, leading in smaller ways such as leading their own family, a team or a cause. Is it not worth it as parents to think about what we do, moment by moment of our children’s lives, that may impact on who they are when they reach adulthood?

If we act as the leaders we admire when we parent, we do one or both of two things:

* We provide role modelling for leadership – acting as a leader becomes what our children know and internalise from day one; and
* We nurture children in a way that develops their emotional maturity, their resilience and their character without the blocks that we often inadvertently place in the way to stop full potential being reached.

What do I mean, you ask? Parenting is one of those things for which many of us are ill-equipped. As is commonly commented, no baby comes with a manual, and we really should be required to get a licence to be a parent.

Not only do we not have skills, but we also bring our own childhood to bear on the process, whether consciously or not. It is fraught with problems right from the start.

So, what leadership skills are important to create a parent who guides and inspires and leads, rather than a parent who micro-manages and controls?

Firstly, great leaders are self-aware: Being an effective parent is much easier when you know why your buttons get pushed and you can respond with this knowledge, rather thanblind reaction.

Self-awareness also gets you to stop taking personally everything your children do. They do not wake up in the morning and plot how to annoy you. If you think they do, you need to spend time understanding yourself and your reactions.

Great leaders give people an opportunity to prove themselves: From the vantage point of self-awareness, it is easier to look at what children do, behind the annoying activity, and see what the positive intent is.

They do not have your world experience, your perspective on life, your knowledge. They are in the middle of a learning process that you need to encourage within boundaries.

I am not suggesting there be no boundaries; that, too, is part of building strong character, but I will get there later.

Even negative behaviour often has a positive intent, such as needing to be seen. Understanding their behaviour in context helps you to respond constructively. If we are saying in our heads “this monstrous child”, we will deal with it very differently to saying “this inquisitive child, curious about life”.

Great leaders empower their people: When we know why children do what they do, bringing empathy to the picture becomes much easier.

Being able to identify and name feelings, both negative and positive, and remembering that acknowledging negative feelings is very different to condoning negative behaviour.

Many parents cannot face their children’s emotions and would prefer happy faces all the time. It makes the parents feel less uncomfortable. As a result, they will do anything to save their children from their feelings, including solving all their problems.

If we give our children the respect to acknowledge their feelings, and free them up to think and find their own solutions, while we stand beside them, guiding them, we empower them to be in charge of their own lives.

Great leaders listen to what their people need: In order to empathise, we need to know how to listen. Listening usually involves shutting up, removing our judgements and assumptions, and giving the person time to talk, be heard and find their own way.

Great leaders trust their people: This is the first cornerstone of self-esteem for children, allowing them to learn to trust their own judgement, their own intuition, without defaulting to a parent who may not be there when important decisions need to be made later on. And this starts with children identifying and managing their own feelings without parents jumping in with solutions.

It also means leaving children to experience frustration and difficulty without saving them from it.

Great leaders understand what real communication is: Communication is not simply “let’s talk”. Real communication is about taking responsibility for your own perspective and your own feelings independently of the other person.

So when a parent is nervous that a child may fall, communicating this nervousness and asking the child to get down as a result is more useful than limiting the child’s view of his own capabilities by saying, “You are going to fall”.

Communication is about not judging a child’s actions as naughty or silly – because children believe what we tell them about themselves – but rather stating what your expectations are and what the boundary is.

Communication is not playing the blame game, but taking responsibility for you own perspective and allowing the other person to take responsibility for theirs.

Great leaders affirm their people constructively: When we lavishly lay praise on our children, we give them nowhere to grow. “You’re a great musician” gets them thinking about the pressure to always be great or about it being untrue when they think about their mistakes during practice. Stating what they do well, specifically in the moment, gives them a chance to accept the praise and be open to constructive criticism. And people do better when we point out what they do well, rather than pointing out what they have done wrong.

Great leaders motivate people without resorting to underhand tactics: For parents, getting children, particularly small ones, to do what needs to be done is a never-ending battle. If we engage people by first understanding and acknowledging where they are at and then remaining clear on what needs to be done within this context, we are more likely to engage co-operation.

If we do this with flat, unemotional language, excluding the bribing and threatening, we teach children to realise what needs to be done for its own sake, not simply to get the bribe. Because how big does that bribe have to get eventually?

Great leaders allow consequences to teach lessons: When it comes to discipline, following all these leadership principles takes away so much need for doling out punishment because it becomes unnecessary. But what about those times when behaviour is out of control?

As parents, we often think that forcing the lesson – by shouting, smacking, grounding, putting on a naughty chair – will do the trick, but people need to experience consequences related to the behaviour to learn the lesson, and often this is not immediate.

When we try and force the lesson, often what we end up with is resentment as a result of the punishment, rather than the child spending the time processing the natural or logical consequences of their behaviour.

I have touched on some, but not all, the leadership behaviours that will help instil leadership qualities in children. But the last point to make here is that great leaders keep their vision in mind. In the context of parenting, this means that moment by moment, parents check the question: “What impact will this have on my vision for my child, on who I see my child being, on meeting my child’s full potential?”.

Being a parent is not easy and we will all make mistakes along the way, let us be real. But keeping a picture in our minds of who we believe our children can be, helps us get them there authentically. ▲

Angela Hutchinson, Parenting skills coach

For more information, contact Angela at: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it